Post cards from the edge

I have been remarking to all my friends that ever since I have joined so many support groups and started talking to people and making new friends, I have stopped journalling. I used to need to go into my mental and emotional cave to write, think, feel, and reflect. I would also cry, comfort, and take a break from my mask in there. All done in solitude and isolation. Like a Buddhist nun without the head shaving or enlightenment.

Now I don't journal. I reach out. I call someone. I talk. I have begun to share my emotions with others. In the process, I have gained something which I had not experienced before. I think the pop psych term is "Authenticity".

I start to realize things at the time I express the idea verbally and not before. What is that called? Whatever it is; it is new to me. Maybe you can't relate.

When I needed my cave to feel, everything that I said to anyone had been rehearsed and rephrased. Like a writer drafting dialogue for an actor. The underlying assumption being the following: there is/was a best way to say something. I could formulate the "perfect thing" before real human interaction. Not only is that weird and controlling but it is also very lonely. The cave and the isolation made it impossible to experience "connection". I was protected from hurt but I gave up feeling understood.

Not anymore.