Its probably been longer than a year since I posted to my blog. I do this with my regular journal. I just get so tired of thinking about the same things. I want to block it all out and be someone else. But recently....
I don't know if you can relate, but I think I circle and cycle around and away; to and from; this emotional and mental reality where I exist and live intensely. In this place and time, I'm at home. I remember my childhood. I feel like myself. And things; sensations seem familiar. This is not a happy place. But it is home.
Home Is No Place I Want To Be
Last weekend, I made up my mind to stop reading books on adults telling their stories of the child abuse they survived. Well, rephrase. I made my mind to stop reading books by psychiatrists, social workers, or whomever about the effects of child abuse. Why? I just felt that if I read one more book; just one more page of one more book; in which the author constructs this world....What am I trying to say???
Pick up a book on child abuse of child sexual abuse (just one) and it will be a mini universe. What is child abuse will be defined. What is child sexual abuse will be defined. Then the outcomes or affects will be summarized and introduced. Then the rest of the book goes into more depth with illustrating case stories: adult survivors.
I stopped reading them b/c its a bit maddening. Especially since I am such an survivor. Where I am in my life is par for the course although it burn me up inside like acid. I don't know how to negotiate a happy life. I do not trust. And I'm not so tired of being alone that I'm willing to do anything about it. And that's pretty normal. Sucks; but why wouldn't it? I was abused as a child. That is pretty much the definition.
Above all else, I have discovered something I really want and I will not give up: I want to learn how to negotiate and accept happiness. Why doesn't someone right a book on that?? How do you bring yourself to or accept happiness when what you learned from your family is suspicion, fear, and mistrust?
When is some brilliant mind going to write about that? The world needs to learn: How to Love when you haven't gotten the love you needed. When to stop being scared and start living b/c the exceptional news is: not everyone is even remotely like your family.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Blogging is hard to do
One year; almost to the day! Not hard to believe. Blogging is an amazing trip into self-expression for me. I don't consider myself an artist. I say that because maybe only an artist knows how challenging it is to create something everyday that says something true.
Whatever you make is going to say something about you. Even if you don't want it to. But how true will it be?
To be a blogger, you can't worry about these things. You just have to keep blogging! I worry about importance, relevance, originality. But to make; To Blog; Requires you to make. Just make it. Just post it. And hope trust that what ever you create is beautiful and fleeting.
Whatever you make is going to say something about you. Even if you don't want it to. But how true will it be?
To be a blogger, you can't worry about these things. You just have to keep blogging! I worry about importance, relevance, originality. But to make; To Blog; Requires you to make. Just make it. Just post it. And hope trust that what ever you create is beautiful and fleeting.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Oh really?
** Quakes blamed on 'immodest women' **
A leading Iranian Islamic cleric has said women who wear revealing clothes are responsible for earthquakes.
< http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/middle_east/8631775.stm >
So I was just on the good ole BBC when I came across this gem: Quakes blammed on immodest women. Since we are having quakes here in Los Angeles I had to click on it. Read the article and I am beside myself. Why don't we have articles with headlines like: "Jackass Bastard Political and Religious Leaders Fuck up Entire Nation and World with Their Bullshit" That's more accurrate. And true.
If I didn't have to live down the shit that some Christian leaders say in America, I would like to think this particular colossal ignorance was confined to the Middle East. But its not. Apparently neither American jackasses like Jerry Falwell or this nutcase below have corned the market on stupidity.
Quakes blamed on 'immodest women'
Promiscuous women are responsible for earthquakes, a senior Iranian cleric has said.
Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told worshippers in Tehran last Friday that they had to stick to strict codes of modesty to protect themselves.
"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he said.
Tens of thousands of people have died in Iran earthquakes in the last decade.
Mr Sedighi was delivering a sermon on the need for a "general repentance" by Iranians.
"What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble? There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam's moral codes," he said.
'Disappoint God'
Young Iranians sometimes push the boundaries of how they can dress, showing hair under their headscarves or wearing tight fitting clothes.
Mr Sedighi also referred to violence following last year's elections, which occurred when thousands of - mostly young - Iranians protested against the result, as a "political earthquake".
"Now if a natural earthquake hits Tehran, no one will be able to confront such a calamity but God's power, only God's power. So lets not disappoint God."
More than 25,000 people died when a powerful earthquake hit the ancient town of Bam in 2003.
Seismologists have warned that the Iranian capital Tehran is situated on a large number of tectonic fault lines and could be hit by a devastating quake soon.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said many of Tehran's 12 million inhabitants should relocate.
There are plans to build a purpose built new capital near Qom.
Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/middle_east/8631775.stm
Published: 2010/04/20 11:06:14 GMT
© BBC MMX
Print Sponsor
Advertisement
A leading Iranian Islamic cleric has said women who wear revealing clothes are responsible for earthquakes.
< http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/middle_east/8631775.stm >
So I was just on the good ole BBC when I came across this gem: Quakes blammed on immodest women. Since we are having quakes here in Los Angeles I had to click on it. Read the article and I am beside myself. Why don't we have articles with headlines like: "Jackass Bastard Political and Religious Leaders Fuck up Entire Nation and World with Their Bullshit" That's more accurrate. And true.
If I didn't have to live down the shit that some Christian leaders say in America, I would like to think this particular colossal ignorance was confined to the Middle East. But its not. Apparently neither American jackasses like Jerry Falwell or this nutcase below have corned the market on stupidity.
Quakes blamed on 'immodest women'
Promiscuous women are responsible for earthquakes, a senior Iranian cleric has said.
Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told worshippers in Tehran last Friday that they had to stick to strict codes of modesty to protect themselves.
"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he said.
Tens of thousands of people have died in Iran earthquakes in the last decade.
Mr Sedighi was delivering a sermon on the need for a "general repentance" by Iranians.
"What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble? There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam's moral codes," he said.
'Disappoint God'
Young Iranians sometimes push the boundaries of how they can dress, showing hair under their headscarves or wearing tight fitting clothes.
Mr Sedighi also referred to violence following last year's elections, which occurred when thousands of - mostly young - Iranians protested against the result, as a "political earthquake".
"Now if a natural earthquake hits Tehran, no one will be able to confront such a calamity but God's power, only God's power. So lets not disappoint God."
More than 25,000 people died when a powerful earthquake hit the ancient town of Bam in 2003.
Seismologists have warned that the Iranian capital Tehran is situated on a large number of tectonic fault lines and could be hit by a devastating quake soon.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said many of Tehran's 12 million inhabitants should relocate.
There are plans to build a purpose built new capital near Qom.
Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/middle_east/8631775.stm
Published: 2010/04/20 11:06:14 GMT
© BBC MMX
Print Sponsor
Advertisement
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Death Warmed Over
Wow. Yes I know things are hard out there ladies. But did you have to do this? Is there no attractive and healthy man who wants to date a single woman in her 50s. Even if she is hot? Yikes
Necrophillia
Today's new word is Necrophillia.
also nec·roph'i·lism (nĭ-krōf'ə-lĭz'əm, nĕ-)
You don't know this but I tend to date older men. My friends are concerned and have tried to get me to stop. Recently, I have finally agreed with them and have taken a break from dating older men. However after reading online articles and seeing pictures of Larry King and his wife, only one word comes to mind.
also nec·roph'i·lism (nĭ-krōf'ə-lĭz'əm, nĕ-)
1.Obsessive fascination with death and corpses.
2.Erotic attraction to or sexual contact with corpses.
necrophiliac nec'ro·phil'i·ac' (-ē-ăk') adj. & n.
You don't know this but I tend to date older men. My friends are concerned and have tried to get me to stop. Recently, I have finally agreed with them and have taken a break from dating older men. However after reading online articles and seeing pictures of Larry King and his wife, only one word comes to mind.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
This too shall pass
It’s the twenty-fifth day of March and my life is still stuck on crappy. Got home from a temp job (Praise Jesus) and hopped right into bed and went to sleep. Was I tired? Yes. The reality that I had no money to buy food or do anything else but I was “working” left me exhausted.
That is a heavy and draining realization. I woke up with it. I managed to get it unto the bus and took it to lunch with me. I spent about $4.00 today: $1.99 for breakfast, a banana and granola bar at the gas station; and $2.20 for lunch, Dollar Menu Chicken Sandwich at McDonalds and a yogurt parfait which was also a dollar. I ate; I read; I was at peace.
Since I don’t have my car I have stopped going to my weekly meditation meeting. This has highlighted that I also get more than meditation from that meeting. I get food. It’s my food pantry. Without it, I’m hungry.
To keep functioning, I am trying to embrace gratitude. At various times, not just in the morning or when I am going to bed, I will try to think of a few things for which I am grateful. My health, this temp job, my weekly pay check, birdsong, butterflies, bees, the priceless sacrifice of the men and women of the military, beautiful days and clear skies of LA, somehow I’m still here and struggling; the feeling that I am moving forward, friends, Prozac, the Lilly Corp Prescription Assistance Program, the possibility of the future, that now is only temporary…. Get the picture.
No grand plans, no big promises to myself, just the prayer that things will change; that is what keeps me going. I just have to make it until then. Again, it is worthwhile to note that this is exactly how I felt as a child growing up in my home and family. “Just hold on Ann” this won’t last forever is how I got myself through lonely summer months left at home. No brighter picture of the future than I would be alone and alive got me through days of not speaking to anyone (including my parents). So there is an odd serenity to my days.
I used to obsess over thoughts of home. Where was my home? Who was my family? Was it Jamaica, with my parents, our townhouse, school? Today I know it is a feeling. It’s a feeling that springs from a place of dis-ease, want, and insecurity. I am walking on cracking ice. I am at home when my parents can not help me and have told me so. They haven’t abandoned me; it is just I should be rescuing them. My friends do not know what I am going through. I tell no one. I don’t ask for help. I also know that there is no external sign of trouble. I look happy; I eat; I make jokes; I make plans; I don’t complain. Everything is fine until it all collapses. And it won't. This bridge is made of rope but it is still a bridge.
That is a heavy and draining realization. I woke up with it. I managed to get it unto the bus and took it to lunch with me. I spent about $4.00 today: $1.99 for breakfast, a banana and granola bar at the gas station; and $2.20 for lunch, Dollar Menu Chicken Sandwich at McDonalds and a yogurt parfait which was also a dollar. I ate; I read; I was at peace.
Since I don’t have my car I have stopped going to my weekly meditation meeting. This has highlighted that I also get more than meditation from that meeting. I get food. It’s my food pantry. Without it, I’m hungry.
To keep functioning, I am trying to embrace gratitude. At various times, not just in the morning or when I am going to bed, I will try to think of a few things for which I am grateful. My health, this temp job, my weekly pay check, birdsong, butterflies, bees, the priceless sacrifice of the men and women of the military, beautiful days and clear skies of LA, somehow I’m still here and struggling; the feeling that I am moving forward, friends, Prozac, the Lilly Corp Prescription Assistance Program, the possibility of the future, that now is only temporary…. Get the picture.
No grand plans, no big promises to myself, just the prayer that things will change; that is what keeps me going. I just have to make it until then. Again, it is worthwhile to note that this is exactly how I felt as a child growing up in my home and family. “Just hold on Ann” this won’t last forever is how I got myself through lonely summer months left at home. No brighter picture of the future than I would be alone and alive got me through days of not speaking to anyone (including my parents). So there is an odd serenity to my days.
I used to obsess over thoughts of home. Where was my home? Who was my family? Was it Jamaica, with my parents, our townhouse, school? Today I know it is a feeling. It’s a feeling that springs from a place of dis-ease, want, and insecurity. I am walking on cracking ice. I am at home when my parents can not help me and have told me so. They haven’t abandoned me; it is just I should be rescuing them. My friends do not know what I am going through. I tell no one. I don’t ask for help. I also know that there is no external sign of trouble. I look happy; I eat; I make jokes; I make plans; I don’t complain. Everything is fine until it all collapses. And it won't. This bridge is made of rope but it is still a bridge.
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