Almost a Year and Back to Square One

Its probably been longer than a year since I posted to my blog. I do this with my regular journal. I just get so tired of thinking about the same things.  I want to block it all out and be someone else. But recently....

I don't know if you can relate, but I think I circle and cycle around and away; to and from; this emotional and mental reality where I exist and live intensely. In this place and time, I'm at home. I remember my childhood. I feel like myself. And things; sensations seem familiar. This is not a happy place. But it is home.

Home Is No Place I Want To Be
Last weekend, I made up my mind to stop reading books on adults telling their stories of the child abuse they survived. Well, rephrase. I made my mind to stop reading books by psychiatrists, social workers, or whomever about the effects of child abuse. Why? I just felt that if I read one more book; just one more page of one more book; in which the author constructs this world....What am I trying to say???

Pick up a book on child abuse of child sexual abuse (just one) and it will be a mini universe. What is child abuse will be defined. What is child sexual abuse will be defined. Then the outcomes or affects will be summarized and introduced. Then the rest of the book goes into more depth with illustrating case stories: adult survivors.

I stopped reading them b/c its a bit maddening. Especially since I am such an survivor. Where I am in my life is par for the course although it burn me up inside like acid. I don't know how to negotiate a happy life. I do not trust. And I'm not so tired of being alone that I'm willing to do anything about it. And that's pretty normal. Sucks; but why wouldn't it? I was abused as a child. That is pretty much the definition.

Above all else, I have discovered something I really want and I will not give up: I want to learn how to negotiate and accept happiness. Why doesn't someone right a book on that?? How do you bring yourself to or accept happiness when what you learned from your family is suspicion, fear, and mistrust?
When is some brilliant mind going to write about that? The world needs to learn: How to Love when you haven't gotten the love you needed. When to stop being scared and start living b/c the exceptional news is: not everyone is even remotely like your family.