Why do I watch so many documentaries on the Holocaust?

A dear friend, Terry told me that she stills checks, periodically, to see if I have
posted a new blog entry. That really touched me. So in honor of her and to honor
myself; I write the paragraphs below.

Watched the Frontline documentary entitled Shtetl: Life was once here - now only rails
to death. by Marian Marzynski. When I checked it out of the library, I shook my head to
myself; 'This is only going to upset me 'I thought. Then the librarian did me a favor. She said:
'You have 4 7-day loan [dvds]. You can only check out 3 at a time.'

A beautiful black woman who had died her hair that indescribable brown. I can't describe it because I'm not
a painter. Its a hair color which I've only seen in the weaves and wigs black women wear.

'Choose which three 'She said. I had two Shoah documentaries; a film about Fran Lebowitz;
and a documentary about the woman who created and portrayed the early radio and tv character of
Mrs. Goldberg, Gertrude Berg.Yoo-hoo Mrs. Goldberg. An Aviva Kempner Film. Looking at my 4 dvds I realized, that one Shoah movie was enough. Two would send me into a depression downward spiral. So I choose. And I was right; one Shoah film is troubling and upsetting enough.

I thought about Shtetl as I slept. Watching it again in my mind. Before I turned off the lights last
night, I did some searching (on the internet) and found some webpages about the movie and the
film maker. One Catholic Pole allowed himself to be featured prominently in the movie. A young
historian from Brandst. That was the primary backdrop for the movie; Brandst in 1938, '39, 40, and '42.
And Brandst in the 1990s. And Brandst in the minds of Jews and Catholics.

What was so upsetting?
What's so upsetting is how Nathan Kaplan struggled to understand how neighbors or more seriously,
how the very people he was meeting with, singing with, kissing, and crying with could have murdered most
of the town. Or more precisely, 2000 or so people in cold blood. How could they have betrayed them?

That was the question that the Polish jews couldn't answer. The survivors had to live with it; somehow.
The children of Polish jews didn't want to accept. The Poles themselves couldn't face it.

Infact, they were just silent. Any direct question, the one or two times, they were ventured, were met
with silence and resignation.

But its not such a mystery to me. The question of betrayal. Maybe only a survivor of child abuse has
any insight. Because you are betrayed by your own family, a Father, mother, brother, or sister; you
know that people are abused and killed not b/c there is evil in the world. Murder; oppression; terror
these are very easy to understand. Power is rational and logical. What baffles me is why do some people choose not to kill. Why did
anyone in that town or any town like it, do anything; at anytime; to help anyone. That's what I don't
understand. It is clear that some did it for the money. Some risk scorn and ridicule but nothing else. Sort of
like the bullied child. But why did people take substantial risks, for no money, and refuse to acknowledge their
behavior. To the present day, they keep silent and are terrified. Why? Why are they mice instead of lions?
My only response (without have been through anything like that) is that people did what they could.
You do what you can and its up to you to do more. No else will hold you responsible.
I think we as humans are still struggling with that question and are no where near an answer. We haven't
even begun to ask.

This is where I'm beginning to see the limits of Christianity. A flaw that will unravel. Christianity
the Catholic church; the Orthodox church; and Protestants were not just silent and ineffectual in the
Holocaust. They were also actively conspiring to protect child molesters and rapists. If Islam suppresses
women; then Christianity protects child abusers. There is an arm of the Roman Catholic Church which was only concerned with covering up the mess and power abuses of these men. And they are
still doing it today. What is truly disturbing is how much of Christianity promotes the sexual exploitation
of women and children. Christianity over Judaism or Islam? Seems so.

And as in any tragedy, all that needs to happen is that good men do nothing.

Almost a Year and Back to Square One

Its probably been longer than a year since I posted to my blog. I do this with my regular journal. I just get so tired of thinking about the same things.  I want to block it all out and be someone else. But recently....

I don't know if you can relate, but I think I circle and cycle around and away; to and from; this emotional and mental reality where I exist and live intensely. In this place and time, I'm at home. I remember my childhood. I feel like myself. And things; sensations seem familiar. This is not a happy place. But it is home.

Home Is No Place I Want To Be
Last weekend, I made up my mind to stop reading books on adults telling their stories of the child abuse they survived. Well, rephrase. I made my mind to stop reading books by psychiatrists, social workers, or whomever about the effects of child abuse. Why? I just felt that if I read one more book; just one more page of one more book; in which the author constructs this world....What am I trying to say???

Pick up a book on child abuse of child sexual abuse (just one) and it will be a mini universe. What is child abuse will be defined. What is child sexual abuse will be defined. Then the outcomes or affects will be summarized and introduced. Then the rest of the book goes into more depth with illustrating case stories: adult survivors.

I stopped reading them b/c its a bit maddening. Especially since I am such an survivor. Where I am in my life is par for the course although it burn me up inside like acid. I don't know how to negotiate a happy life. I do not trust. And I'm not so tired of being alone that I'm willing to do anything about it. And that's pretty normal. Sucks; but why wouldn't it? I was abused as a child. That is pretty much the definition.

Above all else, I have discovered something I really want and I will not give up: I want to learn how to negotiate and accept happiness. Why doesn't someone right a book on that?? How do you bring yourself to or accept happiness when what you learned from your family is suspicion, fear, and mistrust?
When is some brilliant mind going to write about that? The world needs to learn: How to Love when you haven't gotten the love you needed. When to stop being scared and start living b/c the exceptional news is: not everyone is even remotely like your family.

Blogging is hard to do

One year; almost to the day!  Not hard to believe. Blogging is an amazing trip into self-expression for me.  I don't consider myself an artist.  I say that because maybe only an artist knows how challenging it is to create something everyday that says something true. 

Whatever you make is going to say something about you. Even if you don't want it to.  But how true will it be?

To be a blogger, you can't worry about these things.  You just have to keep blogging! I worry about importance, relevance, originality.  But to make; To Blog; Requires you to make.  Just make it.  Just post it. And hope trust that what ever you create is beautiful and fleeting.